Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I FOUND THE LEGS
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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