Weren't you self-described as an 'arab' slut?
No?
Well my cheeks are red now
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Randomize
