It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
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