if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
