We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
