i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
