she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
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