I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
We did face masks and fucked...he really isn't gay, what they say about europeans is just true
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
