my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
