just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize
