I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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