3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
I think youre just another guy trying to take advantage of a young naive innocent girl
you're not innocent... Once you have taken it in the turd cutter you can't label yourself innocent.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
Randomize
