He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
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