is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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