Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
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