Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
Randomize
