I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
