she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
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