Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
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