someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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