Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
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