Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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