Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
