VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
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