I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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