I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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