remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
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