Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
