make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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