When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize
