Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
There's even glitter on my cock...
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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