Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Randomize
