GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Randomize
