This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
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Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
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My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
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