you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
