I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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