If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
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