some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Randomize
