i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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