You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
Randomize
