id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Randomize
