just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
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You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
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You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
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