I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
