fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
The Olympian is in my bed
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
