Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
You brought string cheese to the strip club
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
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