you guys were way drunker than both of me
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Randomize
