Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
