God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
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she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
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He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
I have already put on my inside pants.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
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