If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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