it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Randomize
