My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
