she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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