I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Randomize
