someone threw a dead crab at me
My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
is it bad if I use the term bowl as a measurement of time, as in how long it takes to smoke a bowl?
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
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