Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Randomize
