I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
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