I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
